Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize