how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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