I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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