Im at strip club and am horny
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
