Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
