I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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