I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize