i wish starbucks made bloody marys
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize