I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
