if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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