and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
