Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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