I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
