I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
