you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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