He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
