My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize