I didn't shave. On purpose
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
