I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize