well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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