there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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