My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
