A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
