You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
