did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
