FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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