She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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