so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
