Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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