I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
