You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
