Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize