i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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