so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
