Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bring me that man meat
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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