You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is Oprah even human
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
