I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize