Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
