i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
