i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
