you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
