I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
