My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
