I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
