Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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