Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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