Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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