My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
