how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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