Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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