he puts the penis in happiness.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
