i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
