do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
