Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
