So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Your dad touched me again.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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