the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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