literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
