STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
