dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
