Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
