one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
