When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
