i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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