hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
