someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
