Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
