How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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