i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
