Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
